Ev Ehrlich's Everyday Economics

The Mystery Woman Appears

Secret Transcripts of the Starr Chamber Grand Jury Proceedings

Prosecutor: We will begin the questioning with Juror Number One.

#1: Yes, thank you. Do you know anything about Madison Trust?

Monica: Wasn't he a President?

#1: No, the bank. Did you help the President obtain an illegal loan?

Prosecutor: No, no, that was the illegal loan. Now we're talking about illegal alone.

#1: I'm confused. Isn't this the girl from Little Rock, the one with the bald husband?

Monica: (helpfully) I have a bald father.

Prosecutor: No, no, that was a different girl.

#1: The one in manacles?

Prosecutor: Closer. Maybe we should move on to Juror Number Two.

#2: Hey, honey. Don't all them remarks made ‛bout “trailer park trash” piss you off?

Monica: What?

#2: All them bad things they said ‛bout you.

Prosecutor: (exasperated) No, no, that was yet another —

#2: An' I think yo' nose job looks perfectly fine, baby.

Prosecutor: Juror Number Three, please.

#3: Is the President as good looking in person as he is on television?

Monica: (beams) Oh yes! He has all that silvery hair, and those grey eyes. He's just dreamy!

#3: I bet!

Monica: Did you ever look at his hands? They're so graceful! One time, he was playing “Chapel of Love” for me on the saxophone in the Oval Office and —

Prosecutor: Juror Number Four, please.

#4: Where did you get that beret? I think it's the cutest!

Monica: Do you like it? I was worried it was a little too Alanis Morisette.

#4: I was thinking Ricki Lee Jones.

Monica: Who?

#4: And the dress! Everyone I know wants one just like it! Where's it from?

Monica: I tell people Gap. But it's Nieman's.

#4: I knew it!

Monica: (suppressing a giggle) Please don't tell!

Prosecutor: Juror Number Five, please.

#5: What about this Ginsberg guy?

Monica: Tell me about it!

#5: What planet is he from?

Monica: Really! Daddy met him at High Holidays at temple. He helped Daddy win some laetrile case, so Daddy thought he was Oliver Wendell Douglas or something.

#5: He looked like a loser on television.

Monica: Mr. Starr hated him.

Prosecutor: Please! Conversations and negotiations with counsel are privileged — well, some of them are, anyway. At least while you're alive.

Monica: He used to say that Starr was so stupid that they had to make him a Special Prosecutor.

Jurors: (laughter)

Prosecutor: Out of order! Juror Number Six.

#6: Are we getting that bag lunch again today or do we have to eat in the cafeteria? And when will that nice Mr. Erskine Bowles be back?

#1: Oh yes! I liked him!

Monica: But those glasses! They're so...yesterday!

#2: They ofay, baby.

Monica: What?

Prosecutor: Juror Number Seven, please.

#7: Can you tell us anything about the distinguishing characteristic?

Monica: (blushes) Mom says a nice girl doesn't talk about that kind of thing.

#7: Are you lying to us, young lady?

Monica: (earnestly) No, really, that's what Mom says.

#7: No, no. I mean, what makes the President...special?

Monica: Well, only fifteen men in the history of our nation have ever been elected President twice. By my count.

Prosecutor: (exasperated) Excuse me, but I don't think you get it.

Monica: (irritated) Oh, I get it all right.

Prosecutor: Did you hear that? I move we indict!