Ev Ehrlich's Everyday Economics

Alternative History: The Inaugural Address of President Elian Gonzalez

January 20, 2049

My fellow Americans.

It is with great pride and honor that I say muchas gracias, Estados Unidos, and take the Oath of Office as the fifty-first President of the United States.

I cannot help but think back to the day I first set a trembling, wet foot onto this great country’s soil, a boy on a raft with nothing but rags on his back and hope in his heart. So I must say gracias as well to the men and women of the 106th Congress, almost 50 years ago -- yes, the Congress that passed the Patient’s Bill of Rights that is now recited along with a prayer every day in every classroom in America, the Congress that took the first meaningful steps against gun violence by authorizing the use of bullet-attracting implants for recidivist criminals -- but also the same Congress that took time out from this great work to grant citizenship to a small, oppressed boy from a small, oppressed place.

And I must also thank that same Congress for setting in motion the 32nd Amendment, which expressly exempted me from the provisions of the Constitution stating that only natural-born citizens of the United States can hold the office of the Presidency. It is only due to their generosity and foresight that I can stand before you today.

For me, this crowns a remarkable journey. I recall the first months I spent with my uncles and aunts in Miami, my heart full of American liberty and my eyes and stomach full of American prosperity. I thank them now for the values they taught me when I was a stranger in this wonderful land: that a man has a right to his property, even if it was expropriated two generations ago; that pictures of naked ladies are bad but a Jennifer Lopez video isn’t a sin against the church; that you can say what you want in America, so long as it’s in general agreement with what everybody else in the neighborhood is saying; that Sega has much better graphics than Nintendo; that shooting a plane down is usually but not always a very bad thing; that there is nothing as enduring as a mother’s love for a son, followed by an uncle’s love for his nephew, followed by an aunt’s, then a few cousins, then some in-laws, then your uncles’ and aunt’s friends, then the lady down the street, then the priest at the local church, then the people outside waving flags, then the fellows who come by the house with guns in the trunks of their cars, and last, your father and your two abuelas; that people who think you’re the Son of God or some other kind of Mircale will usually give you a dollar; that my cousin Marisleysis is right and that nasty boy Hernando who drove her to the beach the other night had nothing but bad things on his mind; and that when the television people come around, it’s important to act natural.

And I remember all of the moments in my journey since then: leading this, my new country’s, delegation to Fidel Castro’s funeral (my first pair of long pants!); returning to the land of my birth after its counterrevolution to introduce our Cuban brothers and sisters to capitalism through such innovative enterprises as the organos internales por el mundo donor program, the late night tourist service centers, the Desi Arnaz University of Music at Cubo-Disney World, and our wildly successful Internet-based foreign trade enterprise, 57chevy.com; being elected as governor of Florida; serving as Vice-President after President Keyes tenth and ultimately successful run for the Presidency; and now this great moment.

But there remains much to be done for the American people. We need to expand the federal Little Boy on a Raft scholarship program that gives children who flee the People’s Republic of Puerto Rico and who make it past the Coast Guard the right to go to college. We need to enact my program for rhumba band and colada cocktail training programs to realize the full tourist potential of Minnesota and the Dakotas during a time of global warming. We need to move forward aggressively on my proposal to make Cuba the 51st state. (People of the District of Columbia, you will soon follow! This I swear!). And we need to expand Medicare and Medicaid to cover such new and revolutionary therapies as Santeria.

And if I may, a personal note. How I wish my mother could be with me today. Although, I suppose, if she was here with me today, I wouldn’t be here. Never mind. And Papá, we will one day be together again! The Committee on Post-Revolutionary Adjustment back in Havana meets to review your case next week. Rest assured, I will put in a good word for you!