Ev Ehrlich's Everyday Economics

Tax Cuts of the Future

President Bush's tax program, described by rat-race-losing malcontents as a sop to the nation's idle rich, is poised to pass the Congress and will soon be signed by the President in a Rose Garden ceremony, after which key Republican and Democratic legislators (except Jeffords) will receive ceremonial crayons, the special kind with glitter mixed right in.

But even as this landmark package reaches fruition, Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill, in a recent interview with the Financial Times, hinted at new and potentially even more radical proposals in a second tax package from the Administration. Speculation has already begun as to what such a package might include.

Extend the Personal Deduction to the Unborn. "If the unborn are people, then it's time to give them the full tax treatment they deserve," argues Felix Lechat, Assistant Treasury Secretary for Faith-Based Revenue Policy. Families reporting unborn children would receive the full standard deduction of $2,500. "After all," the Bush G-Man chirps, "don't they say that a pregnant Mom eats for two? Here's Uncle Sam's chance to pick up part of that tab!"

Economists at the conservative Torquemada Institute find evidence supporting the idea in a study commissioned by the Business Coalition For A Really Great Economy, but express caution regarding the proposal's interaction with other features of tax policy. "It's a fine idea," argues one, "but if we continue to phase out the standard deduction at the upper income brackets, we'll give poor people a greater incentive to have kids than we do rich people. And since we know that poor people aren't as smart or hard-working, we'll just be creating a greater burden for our economy down the line."

Pass the Equipment That Doesn't Work Tax Credit. America's business invested at an all-time record pace in the closing years of the 1990's – computers, servers, routers, and every other manner of technological device. Now, much of that gear is shot. The solution? A tax credit for businesses that donate equipment that doesn't work to local community colleges or other educational institutions.

"Our economy's equipment that doesn't work is a hidden national treasure," says Mervis Flyswat, Executive Director of the Business Coalition For The Best Economy Imaginable. "A tax credit for companies that make the magnanimous eleemosynary gesture of giving away equipment that doesn't work would allow those companies to buy new and better equipment that does work, which would be good for the economy. Meanwhile they would be giving our local educational institutions equipment that might once again be fully operational if they whack it on the side a little to see if it works or take it to the repair shop run by those two Chinese kids over by the industrial park. It's a classic win-win situation."

Pass the Tax Credit For Activities Related to Extending Daylight Savings Time. As Vice-President Cheney has told us, America's in an energy crisis that calls for dramatic action – drilling up the Alaskan Wildlife Reserve, whacking the Three Mile Island reactor on the side a little to see if it works, and now, in a bold new proposal bubbling up from several states, instituting year-round Daylight Savings Time, in order to save light-producing energy during the late hours of the day.

"Universal daylight savings time is about our modern way of life," says Laslo Schang, Director of the Business Coalition For An Economy So Good You'd Plotz. "The time that was read in the Roman hour glass and the Babylonian water clock should not be the time we read on the LED display of a digital watch."

Universal daylight time, of course, has its detractors. Drive-in movie theater owners protest that their screens would be blank an extra hour, costing their local economies valuable income and jobs. "A kid who loses his job at a drive-in movie theater is a kid who won't be buying Limp Biskit CDs or over-the-counter acne preparations," says Lois Shill, spokesperson for the Business Coalition To Save the In-Vehicle Entertainment Industry And Have A Really Great Economy, Too. Others worry about schoolchildren heading for school on dark mornings. "We're concerned about that too," says Assistant Secretary of Education for Energy Policy Clarence Canus, "and are prepared to consider any solution. Short of busing."

Implement the "Negative Income Tax". A proposal made thirty years ago by erstwhile Presidential candidate and Communist sympathizer George McGovern for a "negative income tax" is coming back, albeit with a twist. McGovern's proposal was a "negative" income tax in that it gave money to people below a certain level of income.

"Ours is different," explains Presidential economics advisor Lawrence Lindsay. "We intend to tax negative income. That is, if people go broke – or, technically, make negative income – we intend to tax them."

Heartless? Not according to the President's rotund steward of the dismal science. "People who go broke represent a staggering waste of human and financial resources. So long as we encourage going broke with favorable tax treatment, we'll get more of it. We stand for letting people keep their positive income, but taxing their negative income."

Lindsay's proposal won the immediate endorsement of the Business Coalition For the Best Damn Economy Ever And Don't You Forget It.