Ev Ehrlich's Everyday Economics

All-Star Game, 2038

News Item: Baseball owners are working on a plan that would radically realign the major leagues.

“Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen. I’m Bob Kostas and I’m here with Tim McCarver to bring you the 2038 Baseball All-Start Game, delivered to you in full hologrammic relief on the Microsoft/Citicorp Network, live from the Taco Bell (A Division Of Pepsi Cola) Bowl in Albuquerque, New Mexico. This afternoon, we’ll be watching the best players in the Teams From States That Begin With “New” Division and the I-95 Corridor Division play the top stars from the Sunbelt Confederation and the Bank of America/American Hormone Products Coalition. And boy, can you ever feel the excitement here in Albuquerque!”

“Yes Bob, it's been five years now since baseball realigned its divisions and eliminated the DH in response to Attorney General Klein's anti-trust suit, and the game is now more vibrant than ever!”

“As is evident from the 140,000 people here tonight, if we count the special blimp bleachers that have been flown in for this event. Tell us about our starting pitchers tonight, Tim.”

“Will do, Bob. The eyes of the baseball world will be on the number one flame thrower of the Mexico City Blues, eight-foot, two-inch Bluto Savarkic, the Serbian Serpent, whose fastball is posting strike-outs at rates not seen since such great legendary hurlers as Sandy Johnson and Walter Koufax pitched back before the record book was officially closed at the end of the Classic Era.”

“And with a record of 14-0 this season, those problems with the war crimes tribunal don't seem to be bothering Bluto on the mound.”

“Bluto’s looked sharp in his pre-game warm-ups, but he’s up against the ace hurler of the Newark Boat People, Buzz Benson, who is back from the disabled list after surgery to correct some software problems in his reconstructed right arm. Shades of Pete Gray, Tim.”

“I was talking to Buzz a few moments ago, Bob, and he’s just happy that the patent infringement suit’s been settled and the arm could be reattached. Acting Commissioner Selig did a great job mediating that dispute.”

“Yes, Tim, Wendy says the U.S. Special Trade Representative supports her position prohibiting the alternative operating system used by the pitching staff of the Tokyo Giants from on-the-field play.”

“Although it will be used experimentally next spring, Bob.”

“Some hardball over hard drives, Tim. And that’s not the only baseball controversy we have. With the elimination of the old American and National Leagues, baseball’s lawyers have announced that all sluggers with 50 dingers have to announce by Labor Day which home run record they’re pursuing — Alex Rodriquez’s AL mark of 78 or Barry Bonds’ senior loop standard of 85. What an amazing comeback at age 50!”

“Yes, Tim, but how about the zany Buck Belson of the Charlotte Expos, who has notified them that he is shooting for 159 taters this season so he could unify the two titles?”

“Only Baseball has that commitment to tradition, Bob.”

“That’s what makes it special, Tim. Now, let’s review the pennant race picture for our viewers. If the hometown Albuquerque Tacos Brought To You By Taco Bell (A Division of Pepsi Cola) go on to win their Division, what’s next for them?”

“Bob, Albuquerque's next opponent in that best of thirteen series will be either Bluto's Mexico City Blues or the Winnipeg White Owls, who are tied for first place in the Friendly Nearby Neighbors Division. And the winner there will meet the winner of the first round match between the winner of the Midwestern Teams That Nobody Cares About Division — where the Astros, Royals, Brewers, Pirates, Rangers, Indians, Reds, White Sox, and Twins are all still in contention — and the champion of the Fantasy Camp Invitational Tournament, which at this point shapes up to be a group of ear, nose, and throat physicians from Potomac, Maryland.”

“Well, Tim, whoever gets through that thicket will end up in the six team tournament that will decide the World Championship. Who do you like there?”

“Bob, everybody’s been taking about the Yankees being a lock this year, particularly after Mr. Steinbrenner traded two minor league prospects to the Cubs for a 12-win call option for delivery on the interdivisional game exchange later this season. But for me, the smart money, once again, has to be on the Phillies.”

“Of course, they’ve won it all four years in a row now, Tim, ever since BT Wolfensohn negotiated their cash buyout of the New York Mets. We’re talking dynasty, here.”

“I agree, Bob. It all goes to show that baseball is back, and it’s better than ever.”

“Unless unreasonable player salary demands kill it first, Tim.”

“Right on, Bob. But now, it’s time for today’s first pitch, and here comes our honored guest now —”

“He's still the most popular man in baseball today — listen to this crowd!”

“Yes, he is, Bob ... they’re wheeling him out now — ladies and gentlemen, the cryogenically preserved remains of Ted Williams!”